Gartner: 8/10/1993 - 3/2/2009

Wow! What a day it's been ...

I had a meeting this morning and then ran a couple errands before
returning home to spend some time with Gartner. I forced him to
accept some 'behind the ear scratching' and a little rubbing of the
tummy. Mostly, he wasn't interested but let me do it for just a bit!
At around 11:45 am, Dr. Dill arrived with a technician. While they
got things ready, Gartner enjoyed one last incredibly large spoonful
of peanut butter. Respecting his 'no touch policy,' I sat him on the
sofa next to me and Dr. Dill then gave him the injection. It happened
really quickly and I, of course, then changed my mind about wanting
time to pass so the moment would be over. Funny how life works that
way ... over the weekend, I just kept silently wanting it to be over.
Now, he's gone and I'd love to see that damn little tail wag just one
more time!

My house is empty. While I appreciate the 15 1/2 years of memories
and am grateful, I feel so completely alone now. I just went
downstairs for a moment to grab something in the kitchen and he wasn't
there. I didn't get to greet him as I walked by where he usually
slept next to the piano. There is now just empty space where he so
often looked up at me when walking by. The dog bowls are put away and
that spot, too, looks empty in the kitchen. Leaving and arriving are
events that are uneventful now. Gartner always made my leaving a
glorious event. There were very few times when I got to leave without
first giving up that treat to him. And, of course, arriving home
meant the same thing -- Gartner goes outside and then comes in to
receive that treat! All, of course, accompanied by incessant tail-
wagging!

I'm not sure when the crying will stop. I would sooner have lost my
right arm than Gartner. I once heard that people have to die to make
life important; of course, the same holds true for pets. Gartner's
death reminds me that I have been sloppy with my life. I learned so
much from him and, even through his death, I continue to learn. I
honestly have no words to describe this sadness. The great joy,
though, that I experienced when he died was the immediate love and
affection that I could show him by petting him like crazy - something
he never tolerated in life! I sat on the floor while he laid on the
couch and saw his soul through those beautiful eyes.

My mom reminded me tonight that if I choose to get another dog, I will
have to go through this again. I say bring it on! Not today and
probably not tomorrow. But I have known no greater love than this in
my life and look forward to remembering Gartner the only way I know
how - with joy!

My thoughts on tomorrow ...

This photo was a rare thing.  From the time Gartner was little, he was never much of a cuddler.  For the first ten years or so, he slept on my bed but usually at the foot; and if I got too close, he moved.  So when I got sick and he cuddled up to me when I came home after my first chemo, it was a bit of a surprise.  But maybe not really.  I always detested being called Gartner's 'daddy' ... he and I were friends ... we were equals in a way.  I was definitely in charge but that was more a function of me being a control freak than anything else.  I think we connected in a way most people probably don't experience.  When you have kids and a dog, there's a hierarchy, I think.  Kids always come first and the pet sorta gets 'the shaft' if you will.  Gartner was everything to me and there was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

Later in Gartner's life, he kind of took over.  He knew the rules and he knew what he was supposed to do ... but that didn't mean he always did it.  He would look at me as if to say "Screw you ... I listened long enough ... now I'm doing it my way!"  Lately, he has had more treats in one day than he usually had in a normal week.  He sits downstairs and barks until I come and get him what he wants -- treats!

So if you haven't figured it out yet, Gartner will soon be gone.  The vet is coming to my house on Monday at 11:30am to put Gartner to sleep.  While I'm certain I don't have to say this, I will say it -- it's been an agonizing decision.  I have no doubts and no regrets about not doing it sooner or doing it at all.  On Wednesday, I took him to the vet for a checkup and to discuss this option.  After setting the appointment and coming home, he had a major seizure.  While I didn't need this confirmation, it was maybe the universe reminding me that it's time. 

This was Gartner's 14th birthday.  I was biking in Europe and Tylar was babysitting for G.  She apparently had some sort of birthday celebration and they sent this photo to my cell phone while I was biking.  I love it!  He looks happy and loved.

By the time most of you read this, he will be gone.  My family, of course, offered to be with us but it will be just me and Gartner.  I vividly remember bringing him home the day I got him; I expect his last day should be the same.  While I never like to wish time away, I'm anxious to move past this really difficult moment.  But as I always do, I will find joy in this process.  Gartner is so incredibly amazing ... I feel like there is no one who understands this connection ... well, except Rob.  I know he does.  I'm meeting family for dinner tomorrow at 5:00 pm so am looking forward to that as well.

Thanks to all (in advance) for your thoughts.  Much love ... more on this later!

 

Hello, hello ...

Good morning all ... it's 2:00am here in Fargo and I'm just about to
head off to bed ... it seems this is my time to write though I
probably shouldn't as I don't think I'm quite as literate at this hour.

No matter, I wanted to type up a short note to say hi to all and give
my thoughts on something ... but what?!

Gartner is still not doing so well so he is on my mind quite a bit.
It's so difficult to know what to do, though. His tail still wags and
he LOVES peanut butter; he gets peanut butter twice daily as that's
the only way I can get a couple of his pills down his throat. Hid med
routine is almost to the point where I need a pill organizer - but it
seems to be working so how can I stop?! (rhetorical) ...

Mom was over here the other day and she said he didn't even hear the
vacuum when it was right next to him -- no surprise to me! He also
doesn't see so well which makes getting him to go outside a bit
difficult. I laugh only because he is so funny sometimes. On many
occasions, I will come downstairs and he is sitting looking up at the
wall barking. He thinks it's me or someone ... he is just barking at
the wall and waiting for a treat. He's old not stupid. He's learned
(in his old age) that if he barks long enough, someone will give him a
treat. So he does this a lot. In fact, I've been awakened in the
middle of the night by Gartner barking. Kinda funny ...

So that's my blog entry for today, I guess ... 'G' is still hanging in
there ... I was supposed to have a date a couple weeks ago but I got
sick (little flu I think) and had to postpone. Long story short -- no
postponement date in place yet so probably won't happen. Oh well!
I'm going to bury myself in work again. Those days were fulfilling in
their own way ... maybe I'll try it again!!

Love you all ... shoot me a comment to let me know you're
'listening' ...

I Can't Sleep ...

It's 3:45 AM and I can't sleep!

I have let my body get really 'out of whack' and it is catching up to
me. I stay up late and then can't sleep the next night when I try to
lay down ...

Maybe I need to rant ... so here goes ... I'm gong to pick a topic ...

Hmmm ... nothing came to me ...

Well, actually, a lot of topics came to me but it's 3:45 and I really
would end up looking silly because I'm not sure it's possible for me
to put together a coherent thought right now. That said, I'm going to
head off to bed (again) and try to empty my mind of any thoughts.

Much love to all my friends ...

Friendship ... what is it in the 21st century?!

It seems to me the word 'friend' has been diluted in this technology-
filled time we now live in ...

I joined Facebook a few months ago and now have 80 or so friends on my
page. But when I asked them to take 15 seconds to point and click
their way to support a cause in North Dakota, half of them (YES, HALF)
chose to do nothing. In North Dakota, it is legal to fire someone for
being gay. It is also legal to deny them housing on the basis of
sexual orientation.

So after I made this request, I waited. Many told me I was being
impatient and I wasn't given people enough time to join. Others said
that merely not joining is not an indication of non-support. I agreed
with both of these assessments. Since I'm new to Facebook, I don't
claim to know all the 'ropes', etc. But it has made me wonder -- do I
really have 80 'friends' on Facebook. Or is this just another
popularity contest to see who can have the most 'friends' ... ?!

I've always embraced technology! I was first in line to get a
BlackBerry Storm the day it came out. For those of you that know me,
you understand that I embrace all that is new and changing. But
perhaps it is my age that has given me new perspective on this rapidly
changing area of social networking! I don't mind it ... but I don't
want it to be my primary source of connecting with people. And
frankly, if I don't know you enough to believe that you support equal
rights for all people, then I don't want you on my Facebook page!

Am I wrong here? I would much rather have 10 friends that I know and
connect with on an emotional, spiritual and intellectual level than
have 100 friends that I barely know! That being said, I am truly
grateful to have reconnected with so many friends from my past. I'm
definitely not saying that all friendships have to connect in the same
way but let's remember (at least those of us with some years behind
us) that real 'friends' are not measured on Facebook or MySpace but
rather by the connection we make ...

Two of my VERY best friends in the world are Rob and Ron. I met both
of these guys online and we didn't even live in the same state. I
have come to love them and cherish the relationships I've forged with
them. So don't let my rambling give you the wrong idea!

OK ... enough said from me ... just a reminder to keep your 'friends'
in perspective ... much love to you all!!

A New Blog for a New Year!

Wow ... how long has it been?!

Last year was a tough year for me and, after the second hospital stay
for 2008, I tried to blog but, ultimately, got lazy and just let life
take me down a road of apathy for awhile! So here I am ... still a
bit apathetic about everything ... but moving forward with no more
excuses. I got a six month reprieve from cancer in December so I can
relax until June when I have my next scan!

I started this post last night but got distracted chatting online with
a new friend in Fargo. I'm not much for the whole online chatting
thing but, occasionally, I make exceptions when I see an opportunity
to connect in a real way. That being said, I'm going to wrap up this
entry and start typing on another one ... friendship ...

Patience, patience ...

Hello, hello ... I am in the process of getting this going ...

You have options now (to the right) for subscribing when updates are
available. I will no longer be making notifications myself as was
done in the past. With this new blog, I intend on making more regular updates.

Stay tuned ...