My thoughts on tomorrow ...

This photo was a rare thing.  From the time Gartner was little, he was never much of a cuddler.  For the first ten years or so, he slept on my bed but usually at the foot; and if I got too close, he moved.  So when I got sick and he cuddled up to me when I came home after my first chemo, it was a bit of a surprise.  But maybe not really.  I always detested being called Gartner's 'daddy' ... he and I were friends ... we were equals in a way.  I was definitely in charge but that was more a function of me being a control freak than anything else.  I think we connected in a way most people probably don't experience.  When you have kids and a dog, there's a hierarchy, I think.  Kids always come first and the pet sorta gets 'the shaft' if you will.  Gartner was everything to me and there was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

Later in Gartner's life, he kind of took over.  He knew the rules and he knew what he was supposed to do ... but that didn't mean he always did it.  He would look at me as if to say "Screw you ... I listened long enough ... now I'm doing it my way!"  Lately, he has had more treats in one day than he usually had in a normal week.  He sits downstairs and barks until I come and get him what he wants -- treats!

So if you haven't figured it out yet, Gartner will soon be gone.  The vet is coming to my house on Monday at 11:30am to put Gartner to sleep.  While I'm certain I don't have to say this, I will say it -- it's been an agonizing decision.  I have no doubts and no regrets about not doing it sooner or doing it at all.  On Wednesday, I took him to the vet for a checkup and to discuss this option.  After setting the appointment and coming home, he had a major seizure.  While I didn't need this confirmation, it was maybe the universe reminding me that it's time. 

This was Gartner's 14th birthday.  I was biking in Europe and Tylar was babysitting for G.  She apparently had some sort of birthday celebration and they sent this photo to my cell phone while I was biking.  I love it!  He looks happy and loved.

By the time most of you read this, he will be gone.  My family, of course, offered to be with us but it will be just me and Gartner.  I vividly remember bringing him home the day I got him; I expect his last day should be the same.  While I never like to wish time away, I'm anxious to move past this really difficult moment.  But as I always do, I will find joy in this process.  Gartner is so incredibly amazing ... I feel like there is no one who understands this connection ... well, except Rob.  I know he does.  I'm meeting family for dinner tomorrow at 5:00 pm so am looking forward to that as well.

Thanks to all (in advance) for your thoughts.  Much love ... more on this later!