Gartner: 8/10/1993 - 3/2/2009

Wow! What a day it's been ...

I had a meeting this morning and then ran a couple errands before
returning home to spend some time with Gartner. I forced him to
accept some 'behind the ear scratching' and a little rubbing of the
tummy. Mostly, he wasn't interested but let me do it for just a bit!
At around 11:45 am, Dr. Dill arrived with a technician. While they
got things ready, Gartner enjoyed one last incredibly large spoonful
of peanut butter. Respecting his 'no touch policy,' I sat him on the
sofa next to me and Dr. Dill then gave him the injection. It happened
really quickly and I, of course, then changed my mind about wanting
time to pass so the moment would be over. Funny how life works that
way ... over the weekend, I just kept silently wanting it to be over.
Now, he's gone and I'd love to see that damn little tail wag just one
more time!

My house is empty. While I appreciate the 15 1/2 years of memories
and am grateful, I feel so completely alone now. I just went
downstairs for a moment to grab something in the kitchen and he wasn't
there. I didn't get to greet him as I walked by where he usually
slept next to the piano. There is now just empty space where he so
often looked up at me when walking by. The dog bowls are put away and
that spot, too, looks empty in the kitchen. Leaving and arriving are
events that are uneventful now. Gartner always made my leaving a
glorious event. There were very few times when I got to leave without
first giving up that treat to him. And, of course, arriving home
meant the same thing -- Gartner goes outside and then comes in to
receive that treat! All, of course, accompanied by incessant tail-
wagging!

I'm not sure when the crying will stop. I would sooner have lost my
right arm than Gartner. I once heard that people have to die to make
life important; of course, the same holds true for pets. Gartner's
death reminds me that I have been sloppy with my life. I learned so
much from him and, even through his death, I continue to learn. I
honestly have no words to describe this sadness. The great joy,
though, that I experienced when he died was the immediate love and
affection that I could show him by petting him like crazy - something
he never tolerated in life! I sat on the floor while he laid on the
couch and saw his soul through those beautiful eyes.

My mom reminded me tonight that if I choose to get another dog, I will
have to go through this again. I say bring it on! Not today and
probably not tomorrow. But I have known no greater love than this in
my life and look forward to remembering Gartner the only way I know
how - with joy!

My thoughts on tomorrow ...

This photo was a rare thing.  From the time Gartner was little, he was never much of a cuddler.  For the first ten years or so, he slept on my bed but usually at the foot; and if I got too close, he moved.  So when I got sick and he cuddled up to me when I came home after my first chemo, it was a bit of a surprise.  But maybe not really.  I always detested being called Gartner's 'daddy' ... he and I were friends ... we were equals in a way.  I was definitely in charge but that was more a function of me being a control freak than anything else.  I think we connected in a way most people probably don't experience.  When you have kids and a dog, there's a hierarchy, I think.  Kids always come first and the pet sorta gets 'the shaft' if you will.  Gartner was everything to me and there was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

Later in Gartner's life, he kind of took over.  He knew the rules and he knew what he was supposed to do ... but that didn't mean he always did it.  He would look at me as if to say "Screw you ... I listened long enough ... now I'm doing it my way!"  Lately, he has had more treats in one day than he usually had in a normal week.  He sits downstairs and barks until I come and get him what he wants -- treats!

So if you haven't figured it out yet, Gartner will soon be gone.  The vet is coming to my house on Monday at 11:30am to put Gartner to sleep.  While I'm certain I don't have to say this, I will say it -- it's been an agonizing decision.  I have no doubts and no regrets about not doing it sooner or doing it at all.  On Wednesday, I took him to the vet for a checkup and to discuss this option.  After setting the appointment and coming home, he had a major seizure.  While I didn't need this confirmation, it was maybe the universe reminding me that it's time. 

This was Gartner's 14th birthday.  I was biking in Europe and Tylar was babysitting for G.  She apparently had some sort of birthday celebration and they sent this photo to my cell phone while I was biking.  I love it!  He looks happy and loved.

By the time most of you read this, he will be gone.  My family, of course, offered to be with us but it will be just me and Gartner.  I vividly remember bringing him home the day I got him; I expect his last day should be the same.  While I never like to wish time away, I'm anxious to move past this really difficult moment.  But as I always do, I will find joy in this process.  Gartner is so incredibly amazing ... I feel like there is no one who understands this connection ... well, except Rob.  I know he does.  I'm meeting family for dinner tomorrow at 5:00 pm so am looking forward to that as well.

Thanks to all (in advance) for your thoughts.  Much love ... more on this later!